the blog
Mental health resources & reflections
Therapist-written reflections on people-pleasing, religious trauma, anxiety, attachment, relationships & learning to trust yourself again. Written by me, Emilee, a licensed therapist offering online therapy for women in Alaska, Arizona, Texas, Utah & Washington.
HOW DO I STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING MY FAMILY AT THE HOLIDAYS?
You've done so much work all year, and then you walk into your family's house and you're refilling drinks and laughing at comments that sting. Here's why the holidays bring the old roles back, and how to stay with yourself this season.
CAN RELIGION MAKE YOU A PEOPLE-PLEASER?
When being good means being agreeable and saying no feels selfish, religion and people-pleasing can get really tangled up. Here’s how to tell your values apart from your fear.
WHAT DO PEOPLE-PLEASERS TRY TO CONTROL?
People-pleasing rarely feels controlling, but a lot of it is quietly working overtime to manage how everyone else feels, reacts and sees you. Here are ten things people-pleasers try to control (and don’t actually have to).
HOW DO I STOP TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE?
Caring about someone doesn’t make you responsible for their feelings, needs and boundaries. Healing people-pleasing often means learning to trust people to take care of themselves.
WHY DO I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYONE’S FEELINGS?
When someone you love is upset, do you immediately wonder what you did wrong? Codependent patterns and internalizing can make everything feel like your responsibility, even when it isn’t.
HOW DO I SAY WHAT I MEAN (& STOP MIND-READING)?
Healthy relationships shouldn’t require constant mind-reading. Owning our words, saying what we mean and trusting other people to do the same, can cut down on so much anxiety, resentment and guessing.
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS YOU WERE PARENTIFIED AS A CHILD?
Being the "mature" kid probably got you a lot of praise. Here are five current signs you were parentified as a child, and how that role can still shape your needs, boundaries and relationships.
WHAT ARE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES (& WHAT AREN’T THEY)?
Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people or making sure nobody’s ever upset with you. Here are four things boundaries are NOT, and what healthy boundaries actually look like instead.
WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANGRY?
If you’ve built your whole identity around being understanding and easygoing, anger can feel like an emotion you’re not allowed to have. Reclaiming anger means learning to listen to what it’s trying to tell you.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EARN MY WORTH?
If you feel best about yourself when you’re productive, helpful or needed, your self-worth might have become something you have to keep proving. Here’s what it can look like to separate who you are from what you do.
WHAT IS THE FAWN RESPONSE?
Sometimes people-pleasing is about more than wanting to be liked. Accommodating and monitoring everyone can become a way to feel safe when disagreement or disappointment doesn’t feel survivable.
WHY DOES MY SELF-WORTH DEPEND ON BEING NEEDED?
When being needed becomes how you know you matter, helping can turn into something heavier. Let’s talk about codependency, self-worth, resentment and learning to care without abandoning yourself.
WHY DO I MAKE EXCUSES FOR HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME?
Ever explain away your own hurt before you’ve even felt it? Here’s how we invalidate ourselves through justifications and excuses, and how to hold context without canceling your experience.
WHY DON’T I KNOW WHAT I NEED?
If you can tell what everyone else needs in two seconds flat but freeze when someone asks what YOU want, this one’s for you. Here’s how people-pleasing disconnects us from our needs, and how to start listening again.
HOW DO I SET BOUNDARIES WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY?
Boundaries aren’t only about saying no to other people. For people-pleasers especially, they’re how we remember there are two people in a relationship, and we’re one of them!
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EARN LOVE?
If you feel most lovable when you’re useful, easy or needed, you may be carrying "conditions of worth." Here’s how those invisible rules feed people-pleasing, and how to start loosening them.
AM I PEOPLE-PLEASING OR LIVING BY MY VALUES?
Sometimes caring for people comes from your values, and sometimes it comes from needing to feel worthy or loved. Here’s how to start telling people-pleasing apart from living by your values.