I think we sometimes talk about boundaries as if they're mostly about other people: how to get someone to stop doing something, how to say no, how much access someone gets to us, or what behavior we're willing to tolerate. Boundaries absolutely help with all of that. But there's another way to understand them that matters a LOT for people-pleasers, and it's this: boundaries help us remember that there are two people in a relationship, and we are one of them!!
If you tend to give more than a relationship asks of you, anticipate everyone's needs before they say them out loud, or put a lot of energy into keeping everyone comfortable, it can be really easy to forget yourself. We get so focused on loving someone else well that we stop asking whether the way we're showing up in the relationship is loving toward US.
WHEN LOVING SOMEONE ELSE MEANS ABANDONING YOURSELF
Caring deeply about other people is a good thing! So is being generous, and so is compromise. Healthy relationships are going to ask things of us sometimes, and there will absolutely be moments when we choose to put someone else's needs ahead of our own. That's part of loving people!
It gets harder when that becomes our DEFAULT. You say yes when you want to say no. You make yourself available when you're running on fumes, and you agree to host book club again even though you've been dreading it for weeks. You don't tell someone that something hurt because you don't want them to feel bad, or you agree to things you aren't comfortable with because saying no feels selfish. Before long you've somehow become the person responsible for managing everyone else's disappointment, anger, anxiety and discomfort.
Eventually, you might notice resentment creeping in. Resentment can be really useful information! (I promise it's not just a sign you're a bad friend.) It can signal that we've been giving something we don't actually have, agreeing to things we don't really want, or expecting ourselves to keep up a level of caretaking that just isn't sustainable. That doesn't automatically mean the other person did something wrong. Sometimes our own behavior inside a relationship keeps overriding our needs, limits and values, and nobody asked us to do that.
BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT WHAT I WILL DO
I like to think about boundaries as guidelines we create for ourselves that help us stay connected to our needs, values, limits and capacity. A boundary is less about controlling another person's behavior and more about deciding how I'M going to participate in something. It might sound like, "I'm not going to keep having this conversation while we're yelling at each other, so I'm going to take a break and come back to it later." Or, "I can't lend money right now." Or even, "I love you, and I don't have the capacity to talk about this tonight."
The other person may not like the boundary! They might feel disappointed, frustrated, confused or hurt. One of the hardest parts of learning boundaries, especially for people-pleasers, is recognizing that someone else's emotional response doesn't mean we did something wrong. Sometimes setting a boundary means letting someone we love have feelings about our limit without immediately dropping the limit to make those feelings go away. I often see this moment in session, when someone's whole body wants to take it back, and that's usually exactly where the work is.
BOUNDARIES CAN BE AN ACT OF LOVE
Boundaries sometimes get framed as walls, punishments or ways of pushing people away. I tend to think of healthy boundaries as something that can actually make connection more sustainable. If I keep giving beyond my capacity because I'm afraid to disappoint you, I may technically be saying yes to you, but resentment, exhaustion or disconnection will probably sneak into the relationship eventually. If I can be honest about what I actually have to give, the yeses I do offer get to be real.
A boundary might let me say, "I love you, and I can't do that." It might let me care about someone's feelings without becoming responsible for changing them, or support someone without taking over their life. It might let me stay connected to someone without disappearing from myself in the process. So boundaries aren't a choice between loving someone else and loving ourselves, and in a lot of ways they're how we practice doing BOTH.
A QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF
If boundaries are hard for you, you might start by noticing the moments when you feel resentment, dread, guilt or exhaustion, or that immediate urge to say yes before you've even checked in with yourself. Instead of only asking, "What does this person need from me?" try adding a second question: "What do I need in order to stay connected to myself here?"
That doesn't mean your needs always win, or that relationships should never require sacrifice or compromise. It just means your needs get to enter the conversation too :) There are two people in the relationship, and you are one of them. Boundaries can help make sure that loving someone else doesn't require abandoning yourself over and over again.
If this resonates with you, especially if setting boundaries brings up guilt, anxiety, or fear that someone will be disappointed in you, this is something we can explore together in therapy. Learn more about how I work with people-pleasing →
I offer online therapy for women in Alaska, Arizona, Texas, Utah & Washington. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
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