So many of us have a complicated relationship with anger. Some of us don't just dislike feeling angry, we've built an entire identity around NOT being an angry person. You're the understanding one, the friend who always gives people the benefit of the doubt. When someone hurts you, your brain might get to their perspective before you've even had a chance to notice your own.
They're going through a lot. They probably didn't mean it that way, I know they love me, it's really not that big of a deal. Understanding other people can be a beautiful quality! But sometimes being able to understand everyone else becomes a very effective way of never letting yourself be angry with them.
WHY ANGER CAN FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE
We learn a lot about emotions from the places we grow up. If anger in your family meant yelling, slammed doors or the silent treatment, it makes complete sense that you decided somewhere along the way, I don't want to be an angry person. Or maybe your anger just wasn't welcome, and the second you got angry you were dramatic, difficult or "too sensitive," so you learned to soften it, hide it or turn it inward instead.
There can also be cultural, religious and gendered messages about who's "allowed" to be angry. If you spent years hearing that being good means being forgiving, pleasant, selfless and accommodating, anger can feel totally incompatible with the person you're supposed to be. Eventually you might get so practiced at moving away from anger that you barely recognize it when it shows up.
ANGER IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE DO WITH ANGER
Part of reclaiming anger is separating the emotion from the behaviors we associate with it. Anger does not mean yelling! It doesn't mean being cruel or aggressive, because those are things someone might DO while angry, and they aren't the feeling itself. You can be angry, speak calmly, take a few days before you respond and still care deeply about the person, and you can even decide not to act on it at all.
None of this means every angry feeling proves you're right and someone else is wrong. Emotions aren't verdicts, but they are information, and anger deserves the same curiosity we'd happily offer sadness, fear or anxiety.
ANGER CAN TELL US THAT SOMETHING MATTERS
Anger tends to show up when something feels unfair, when a boundary has been crossed or when our needs have gone unacknowledged one too many times. It doesn't always read the situation perfectly, and sometimes it's a misunderstanding or an old experience getting activated by a new one.
So instead of immediately asking, "How do I stop being angry?" we can get curious about what the anger is responding to. You might have said yes too many times when you wanted to say no. Someone might keep making jokes at your expense, or you're doing way more of the emotional labor, or someone hurt you and you've spent months explaining to yourself why they didn't mean to. Anger might not tell you exactly what to do next, but it's often pointing toward something worth paying attention to.
PEOPLE-PLEASING CAN TURN ANGER INWARD
When being angry at other people doesn't feel safe or acceptable, sometimes we just redirect it at ourselves. Instead of "I'm angry that they treated me that way," it becomes "I shouldn't have let that happen." And instead of "I'm angry my needs weren't considered," it's the classic, "Ugh, I'm so needy."
Self-blame can feel safer than anger because it gives us something to control. If I'm the problem, maybe I can fix myself and make sure this never happens again! Being angry at someone else might make us look at something in the relationship we really don't want to see. Sometimes reclaiming anger means noticing when self-criticism is covering up a very reasonable "I didn't like how I was treated."
RESENTMENT CAN BE USEFUL INFORMATION
Resentment is especially important for people-pleasers to pay attention to. We usually treat it like something ugly we need to get rid of, but resentment can be the built-up result of abandoning ourselves over and over. You keep saying yes while secretly hoping someone will notice how much you're doing, or you avoid a boundary so nobody's disappointed and then get more and more frustrated that they keep expecting the same thing.
In those situations, resentment isn't necessarily proof that the other person is doing something wrong. Sometimes it's telling you that the way YOU'RE participating in the relationship isn't working for you anymore. Rather than shaming yourself for feeling resentful, you can get curious about what it's asking you to acknowledge :)
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND SOMEONE & STILL BE ANGRY WITH THEM
For me, this is one of the biggest pieces of reclaiming anger: understanding someone's behavior doesn't mean you have to stop having feelings about how it affected you. Someone can have a painful history and still hurt you. Someone can love you, be doing the best they know how to do, and their best can still make you angry.
Empathy doesn't require self-erasure!! You don't have to choose between understanding someone else's humanity and acknowledging your own experience, because there's room for both.
RECLAIMING ANGER DOESN’T MEAN BECOMING ANGRIER
Reclaiming anger has nothing to do with becoming furious about everything or deciding your anger is always correct. What we're doing is widening the range of emotions you're allowed to have. Maybe sadness feels pretty comfortable for you, but anger doesn't. Anxiety can feel acceptable because it points the focus inward, while anger feels dangerous because it points OUTWARD.
Reclaiming anger can be as small as letting yourself say, "I'm angry about what happened." You don't have to immediately forgive it, confront anyone or decide what it means for the relationship. You can just let the feeling exist long enough to understand what it's trying to tell you. Sometimes it'll lead you toward a boundary, sometimes toward grief, and sometimes it'll show you how much you've been quietly carrying this whole time.
You don't have to obey your anger, but you don't have to automatically silence it either. You're allowed to be compassionate AND angry, understanding and angry, loving and angry. You can be a kind person who sometimes gets really, really pissed off. Your anger doesn't cancel out your empathy, and sometimes it's just reminding you that you deserve some of that empathy too!
If this resonates with you, especially if you tend to minimize your anger, explain away hurt or feel responsible for staying easy and understanding in your relationships, this is something we can explore together in therapy. Learn more about how I work with people-pleasing →
I offer online therapy for women in Alaska, Arizona, Texas, Utah & Washington. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
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