We all have values! From security to risk-taking, community to independence, and peace to power, our values help shape who we are and how we want to show up in the world. I find that helping clients identify their values gives them a stronger sense of identity, and it gives us a foundation to come back to as we explore their experiences, relationships and choices.
When something doesn't sit well with us, we might ask: Was I moving toward or away from my values? When we feel proud of how we handled a hard moment, we might ask: What value was I leaning into? And when we're rethinking a boundary or deciding how to respond to someone, we might ask: What choice would be most aligned with my values? Things get a little more complicated when you're a people-pleaser, though, because sometimes the things you truly value can become the exact things you use to abandon yourself.
WHEN A VALUE BECOMES A ROLE
As a people lover, my own list of values includes things like connection, empathy, love, and altruism. I genuinely care about caring for other people. But as a recovering people-pleaser, I've also had to learn that sometimes those values can quietly turn into roles I believe I need to play. Sometimes I'm caring for someone because caring for people is important to me. Other times, I'm CARETAKING because some part of me believes I need to be helpful, easy, supportive, or needed in order to be worthy of love.
From the outside, the behavior can look almost identical, but on the inside they're two very different experiences. One comes from "I WANT to show up this way because this matters to me." The other comes from "I NEED to show up this way because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't." That's one of the tricky things about people-pleasing! It doesn't always look like doing things you don't want to do. Sometimes it looks like taking something beautiful about yourself (your generosity, empathy, flexibility, thoughtfulness, or desire for connection) and feeling like you have to use it to earn your place in your relationships.
SO HOW CAN I TELL IF I’M ACTING FROM MY VALUES OR PEOPLE-PLEASING?
Instead of focusing only on what you're doing, it helps to get curious about what's happening underneath the behavior. You might ask yourself: If I knew this person wouldn't be disappointed in me, would I still want to do this? Am I choosing this, or do I feel like I have to? What am I afraid might happen if I say no? Am I considering my own needs alongside theirs, or have mine disappeared from the equation? Will I feel good about doing this, or am I going to feel resentful later? Does this choice feel aligned with who I want to be, or with who I think I have to be in order to be loved?
Please don't use these questions to interrogate every nice thing you do (I can already picture someone running the full checklist before holding a door open). Caring about other people isn't the same thing as people-pleasing, and compromise isn't automatically self-abandonment. Sometimes we choose to inconvenience ourselves because someone we love matters to us, and that can be completely aligned with our values! Becoming less caring was never the goal here. What we want is for you to have CHOICE in how you care.
PEOPLE-PLEASING CAN MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ACTUALLY VALUE
When you've spent a long time paying attention to what everyone else needs, wants, thinks, or expects from you, figuring out what you value can be surprisingly hard. You might know exactly what would make your partner happy and have no idea what you want for dinner. You might know which choice your parents would approve of but struggle to say what YOU think is right, or be able to predict what will make everyone comfortable while barely noticing your own discomfort.
That's part of why working through people-pleasing is about more than learning to say no or setting more boundaries. It can also be about rebuilding a relationship with yourself: learning to notice your preferences, emotions, needs, boundaries, and values without immediately running them through everyone else's reactions first.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO STOP BEING CARING TO STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING
Sometimes people worry that if they stop people-pleasing, they'll swing all the way to the other extreme and become selfish, inconsiderate, or mean. Healing people-pleasing doesn't require you to give up the qualities you love about yourself!! You can still be generous & empathetic, still value connection, and still show up for the people you love. The difference is that you don't have to use those things as currency to purchase love, safety, belonging, or worth.
The trick is learning to notice when that shift happens. We all have our own patchwork quilt of values, and we all have our own internal alert systems that tell us when we're moving away from them. Maybe you feel it in your gut. Maybe resentment starts creeping in. Maybe you notice yourself becoming inauthentic or saying yes while everything inside you is saying no. Those moments aren't evidence that you're bad at boundaries or failing at healing. They're data points!
So pause with me sometime today and ask yourself: Am I doing this because it reflects who I want to be, or because I'm trying to secure how someone else feels about me? You don't have to answer it perfectly, you just have to get a little curious. That's honestly a great place to start :)
If this resonates with you, especially if your kindness sometimes feels less like a choice and more like the price of being loved, this is something we can explore together in therapy. Learn more about how I work with people-pleasing →
I offer online therapy for women in Alaska, Arizona, Texas, Utah & Washington. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
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