HOW WE INVALIDATE OURSELVES THROUGH JUSTIFICATIONS & EXCUSES

Have you ever started talking about something that hurt you and immediately followed it up with an explanation for why the other person did it? "It really hurt my feelings, but I know they didn't mean it that way." "I wish they'd been there for me, but they've been SO stressed." "I hated how they talked to me, but that's just how their family communicates."

Understanding other people is a wonderful skill! Empathy lets us consider context, recognize someone's intentions and remember that behavior rarely happens in a vacuum. But sometimes we're so quick to understand everyone else that their explanation becomes a reason to dismiss our own experience. We don't just explain what happened, we explain ourselves right out of being allowed to feel anything about it.

WHEN UNDERSTANDING BECOMES INVALIDATION

Imagine someone you love forgets something that was really important to you. You're hurt, but almost immediately your brain starts building their defense. They've been so busy. They have a lot going on. They probably didn't realize how important it was, and they definitely weren't trying to hurt me.

All of those things might be completely true! Understanding them is fine. Things go sideways when we decide those facts mean our hurt doesn't count anymore.

And we do this to ourselves all the time. They didn't mean to hurt me, so I shouldn't be hurt. They had a difficult childhood, so I shouldn't be angry about how they treat me. They're struggling too, so I shouldn't need anything from them. Other people have been through way worse, so I shouldn't be this affected. Notice how fast context turns into a reason your experience shouldn't exist.

INTENT & IMPACT CAN BOTH MATTER

One of the most useful things you can practice in relationships is letting intention and impact exist at the same time. Someone can really love you and still do something that hurts you. Someone can have good intentions and cross a boundary, or be going through an awful season and behave in a way that affects you.

Understanding why someone did something can absolutely shape what you decide to do with that information. You might feel differently about an accidental mistake than a deliberate choice, and you might have more patience with someone when you know what they're going through. Context matters!! It just doesn't require you to erase the impact.

They didn't intend to hurt me, AND I was hurt. I understand why they reacted that way, and I didn't like how they treated me. They were doing the best they knew how, and there were things I needed that I didn't get. We don't always have to pick which half of the sentence is the "real" one.

WHY PEOPLE-PLEASERS CAN BE ESPECIALLY GOOD AT THIS

If you're used to people-pleasing, you've probably gotten very skilled at seeing things from other people's perspectives. You notice what they're feeling, what pressure they're under and what might explain their behavior. That can make you a really compassionate, thoughtful person to be in a relationship with. But empathy without enough attention to your OWN experience can turn into self-abandonment.

You might find yourself acting as the defense attorney for everyone who hurts you. Before you've even figured out what you feel, you've already put together a whole case for why the other person shouldn't be held responsible or why you shouldn't be upset. Some of my clients could win that case in their sleep (I lovingly point this out).

Sometimes we do this because admitting how we feel creates a problem we don't know how to solve. If I admit I'm angry, do I have to confront them? If something hurt, does that make them a bad person? If I'm unhappy with part of a relationship, do I have to leave it? If something from my childhood affected me, am I blaming my parents? Not necessarily! Acknowledging an experience doesn't automatically tell you what you have to do about it.

VALIDATING YOURSELF ISN'T THE SAME AS BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE

Self-validation can feel weirdly uncomfortable when you've learned that acknowledging your hurt means accusing someone else of doing something wrong. But "That hurt me" and "You're a terrible person" are two very different statements. "I needed something different" is not "You should have known exactly what I needed," and "This affected me" is not "You did this on purpose."

Validation is letting your internal experience exist without immediately putting it on trial. Your friend can have a good reason for canceling plans, and you can still be disappointed. Your parent may have done the best they could with the tools they had, and there can still be things from your childhood that hurt. Your partner might not have meant for their comment to land that way, and you still felt embarrassed. Your feelings don't need someone else to be the villain :)

TRY ADDING "AND" BEFORE YOU ADD "BUT"

If you notice yourself explaining away your feelings the second they show up, try playing with your language a little. When you hear yourself say but, see what happens if you swap it for and. "I'm hurt, and I know they didn't mean to hurt me." "I'm angry about how they treated me, and I understand why they reacted that way." "I love my family, and there are parts of my childhood I'm still processing." "I know they're overwhelmed right now, and I need more support than they're able to give me."

That tiny shift lets you hold BOTH the context and your own experience. None of this is about giving people LESS grace, becoming less empathetic or assuming bad intentions every time you're hurt. You're just making sure your empathy includes you, too.

You can understand someone's reasons and consider their intentions and have compassion for what they've been through. And before you use any of that to decide what your feelings are allowed to be, you can pause long enough to ask, What was this actually like for me? Your answer deserves a spot in the story too.

If this resonates with you, especially if you're quick to explain other people's behavior but struggle to trust your own hurt, anger or disappointment in relationships, this is something we can explore together in therapy. Learn more about how I work with relationships & relational trauma →

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