HOW WE INVALIDATE OURSELVES THROUGH JUSTIFICATIONS & EXCUSES

Have you ever started talking about something that hurt you and immediately followed it with an explanation for why the other person did it? “It really hurt my feelings, but I know they didn't mean it that way.” “I wish they had been there for me, but they've been really stressed.” “I hated how they spoke to me, but I know that's how their family communicates.”

Understanding other people is a wonderful skill. Empathy allows us to consider context, recognize someone's intentions, and remember that behavior rarely happens in a vacuum. But sometimes we're so quick to understand everyone else that their explanation becomes a reason to dismiss our own experience.

We don't just explain what happened. We explain ourselves out of being allowed to feel anything about it.

WHEN UNDERSTANDING BECOMES INVALIDATION

Imagine someone you love forgets something that was really important to you. You're hurt, but almost immediately your brain starts building their defense: They've been so busy. They have a lot going on. They probably didn't realize how important it was. They definitely weren't trying to hurt me.

All of those things might be completely true. The problem isn't understanding them. The problem comes when we decide those facts mean our hurt is no longer valid.

We do this with ourselves all the time. They didn't mean to hurt me, so I shouldn't be hurt. They had a difficult childhood, so I shouldn't be angry about how they treat me. They're struggling too, so I shouldn't need anything from them. Other people have experienced worse, so I shouldn't be this affected.

Notice how quickly context becomes a reason that our experience shouldn't exist.

INTENT & IMPACT CAN BOTH MATTER

One of the most useful things we can practice in relationships is allowing intention and impact to exist at the same time. Someone can genuinely love you and do something that hurts you. Someone can have good intentions and cross a boundary. Someone can be going through an incredibly difficult time and behave in a way that affects you.

Understanding why someone behaved a certain way can absolutely influence what we decide to do with that information. We may feel differently about an accidental mistake than a deliberate choice. We may have more patience with someone when we understand what they're going through. Context matters.

But context doesn't require us to erase impact.

They didn't intend to hurt me, and I was hurt. I understand why they reacted that way, and I didn't like how they treated me. They were doing the best they knew how to do, and there were things I needed that I didn't receive.

We don't always have to choose which half of the sentence is the “real” one.

WHY PEOPLE-PLEASERS CAN BE ESPECIALLY GOOD AT THIS

If you're used to people-pleasing, you may have become very skilled at seeing situations from other people's perspectives. You notice what they're feeling, what they've experienced, what pressures they're under, and what might explain their behavior. That ability can make you compassionate and thoughtful in relationships.

But empathy without enough attention to your own experience can turn into self-abandonment.

You may find yourself acting like the defense attorney for everyone who hurts you. Before you've even had a chance to understand what you feel, you've already assembled all the evidence for why the other person shouldn't be held responsible or why you shouldn't be upset.

Sometimes we do this because acknowledging our feelings creates a problem we're not sure how to solve. If I admit that I'm angry, do I have to confront them? If I acknowledge that something hurt, does that mean they're a bad person? If I recognize that I'm unhappy with part of a relationship, does that mean I have to leave it? If I admit that something from my childhood affected me, does that mean I'm blaming my parents? Not necessarily! Acknowledging an experience doesn't automatically tell you what you have to do about it.

VALIDATING YOURSELF ISN’T THE SAME AS BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE

Self-validation can be surprisingly uncomfortable when we've learned that acknowledging our own hurt means accusing someone else of wrongdoing.

But “That hurt me” and “You're a terrible person” are not the same statement. “I needed something different” isn't the same as “You should have known exactly what I needed.” “This affected me” isn't the same as “You intentionally caused this.”

Validation is simply allowing your internal experience to exist without immediately putting it on trial.

Maybe someone had a good reason for canceling plans, and you're still disappointed. Maybe your parent was doing the best they could with the tools they had, and there are still things from your childhood that hurt. Maybe your partner didn't intend for their comment to land the way it did, and you still felt embarrassed. Maybe your friend is going through something difficult, and you still feel neglected in the friendship. Your feelings don't require someone else to be the villain.

TRY ADDING “AND” BEFORE YOU ADD “BUT”

If you notice yourself immediately explaining away your feelings, experiment with the language you're using. When you hear yourself say but, see what happens if you replace it with and.

“I'm hurt, and I know they didn't mean to hurt me.” “I'm angry about how they treated me, and I understand why they reacted that way.” “I love my family, and there are parts of my childhood I'm still processing.” “I know they're overwhelmed right now, and I need more support than they're able to give me.”

That small shift can help us hold context without requiring it to cancel our experience.

The goal isn't to stop giving people grace, become less empathetic, or assume bad intentions whenever we're hurt. It's to make sure our empathy includes us, too.

You can understand someone's reasons. You can consider their intentions. You can have compassion for what they've experienced. And before you use any of those things to decide what your feelings are allowed to be, you can pause long enough to ask: What was this experience actually like for me?

Your answer deserves to be part of the story, too.

If this resonates with you—especially if you're quick to explain other people's behavior but struggle to trust your own hurt, anger, or disappointment in relationships—this is something we can explore together in therapy. Learn more about how I work with relationships & relational trauma →

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