the blog
Mental health resources & reflections
Therapist-written reflections on people-pleasing, religious trauma, anxiety, attachment, relationships & learning to trust yourself again. Written by me, Emilee, a licensed therapist offering online therapy for women in Alaska, Arizona, Texas, Utah & Washington.
HOW TO FIND A THERAPIST: A COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE
Finding a therapist is weirdly hard, especially when you’re already struggling. Here’s how to find a therapist who actually fits: what to look for, what to ask, and what to do if the first one isn’t right.
RELIGIOUS DISENCHANTMENT: WHEN YOUR ENTIRE WORLDVIEW CHANGES
Leaving a religion can be so much bigger than changing what you believe. Religious disenchantment gives us language for the grief and disorientation of watching your whole worldview shift.
5 CURRENT SIGNS YOU WERE PARENTIFIED AS A CHILD
Being the "mature" kid probably got you a lot of praise. Here are five current signs you were parentified as a child, and how that role can still shape your needs, boundaries and relationships.
FOUR THINGS BOUNDARIES ARE NOT
Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people or making sure nobody’s ever upset with you. Here are four things boundaries are NOT, and what healthy boundaries actually look like instead.
RECLAIMING ANGER: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’VE LEARNED NOT TO BE ANGRY
If you’ve built your whole identity around being understanding and easygoing, anger can feel like an emotion you’re not allowed to have. Reclaiming anger means learning to listen to what it’s trying to tell you.
EARNING OUR WORTH: WHEN SELF-WORTH BECOMES SOMETHING WE HAVE TO PROVE
If you feel best about yourself when you’re productive, helpful or needed, your self-worth might have become something you have to keep proving. Here’s what it can look like to separate who you are from what you do.
STRONG IN OUR SEPARATENESS: INDIVIDUATION, RELIGION & BELONGING WITHOUT CONFORMITY
Belonging doesn’t have to mean becoming the same as the people we love. Carl Rogers’s idea of being "strong in our separateness" offers a beautiful way to think about individuation, religion and staying connected through change.
REDEFINING, RECLAIMING & REFRAMING: FINDING YOUR OWN LANGUAGE AFTER RELIGION
When religious beliefs change, the language we use to understand ourselves doesn’t always change with them. Redefining, reclaiming and reframing can help you decide which words still feel like yours after religion.
FROM FAWNING TO FREEDOM: WHEN PEOPLE-PLEASING BECOMES A WAY TO FEEL SAFE
Sometimes people-pleasing is about more than wanting to be liked. Accommodating and monitoring everyone can become a way to feel safe when disagreement or disappointment doesn’t feel survivable.
THE CYCLE OF CODEPENDENCY: WHEN YOUR SELF-WORTH DEPENDS ON BEING NEEDED
When being needed becomes how you know you matter, helping can turn into something heavier. Let’s talk about codependency, self-worth, resentment and learning to care without abandoning yourself.
THE CONNECTION BETWEEN TRAUMA & ANXIETY: WHY YOUR ANXIETY MIGHT MAKE MORE SENSE THAN YOU THINK
Your anxiety might not be random at all. Here’s how trauma and past experiences can shape anxiety, and what healing can actually look like.
BLAME VS. ACCOUNTABILITY: TAKING RESPONSIBILITY WITHOUT SHAME
You can own what you did without deciding you’re a terrible person. Here’s the difference between blame and accountability, and why it changes how we handle conflict.
HOW WE INVALIDATE OURSELVES THROUGH JUSTIFICATIONS & EXCUSES
Ever explain away your own hurt before you’ve even felt it? Here’s how we invalidate ourselves through justifications and excuses, and how to hold context without canceling your experience.
ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR NEEDS: WHEN YOU’RE USED TO PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE FIRST
If you can tell what everyone else needs in two seconds flat but freeze when someone asks what YOU want, this one’s for you. Here’s how people-pleasing disconnects us from our needs, and how to start listening again.
POLARIZED THINKING: HOW TO RECOGNIZE BLACK-AND-WHITE THINKING
One mistake and suddenly you’re "terrible at this"? That’s polarized thinking, and it loves extremes. Here’s how to spot black-and-white thinking and make a little more room for the gray.
NAME IT TO TAME IT: WHY NAMING YOUR EMOTIONS CAN HELP
"I feel bad" doesn’t tell you much about what you need. Here’s why name it to tame it works, and how getting more specific with your emotions can help you respond with more intention.
BOUNDARIES: HOW TO LOVE OTHERS WITHOUT ABANDONING YOURSELF
Boundaries aren’t only about saying no to other people. For people-pleasers especially, they’re how we remember there are two people in a relationship, and we’re one of them!
HUMAN BEINGS, NOT HUMAN DOINGS: WHY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO EARN LOVE
If you feel most lovable when you’re useful, easy or needed, you may be carrying "conditions of worth." Here’s how those invisible rules feed people-pleasing, and how to start loosening them.
THE POWER OF “AND”: HOW TO MOVE BEYOND BLACK-AND-WHITE THINKING
What if two seemingly contradictory things can both be true? Here’s how swapping "but" for "and" can help you move beyond black-and-white thinking and make room for the complicated people we love (ourselves included).
AM I PEOPLE-PLEASING OR LIVING BY MY VALUES?
Sometimes caring for people comes from your values, and sometimes it comes from needing to feel worthy or loved. Here’s how to start telling people-pleasing apart from living by your values.