If you've stepped away from a faith you grew up in, the holidays can bring up a kind of grief that's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it. The music, the traditions, the family gatherings and even the smell of certain foods can carry decades of meaning, and now that meaning feels complicated, painful or just gone. You might feel relieved and heartbroken in the same breath, or find yourself dreading a season you used to love. If that's where you are, I want you to know there's nothing wrong with you. This is one of the most layered times of year for anyone navigating a faith transition, and it makes sense that it feels heavy.
WHY THIS SEASON CAN FEEL SO HEAVY
For many of us, the holidays were where faith, family and belonging all lived together. Religion wasn't just something we believed. It shaped our calendar, our rituals, our relationships and our sense of who we were and where we fit. When you leave, or even just start questioning, the holidays can highlight everything that's changed all at once. Your body may still remember the comfort and the pressure of those years, and both of those can show up at the same family table. That's not you being dramatic! It's your nervous system responding to a season that's packed with history.
GRIEVING THE TRADITIONS (EVEN THE ONES YOU DON'T MISS)
Grief after leaving religion is often confusing because you can grieve things you don't actually want back. You might miss the certainty, the community or the sense of being held by something bigger, while also feeling a deep relief that you no longer have to perform beliefs that didn't fit. Both can be true. You're allowed to miss the candlelight service and still know you're never going back. Naming what you're grieving, specifically, can make it feel a little less like a fog and a little more like something you can hold. This kind of loss is real, even when there's no clear name for it and no one bringing you a casserole.
NAVIGATING FAMILY EXPECTATIONS
Family gatherings can be the hardest part, especially if your family is still in the faith. There might be prayers you're expected to join, questions about church, comments about your choices or an unspoken hope that you'll "come back." You get to decide what you share and what you keep for yourself. Not everyone is a safe person for your story, and protecting it isn't the same as being dishonest. It can help to decide ahead of time what you're comfortable participating in, have a simple phrase ready for the questions you know are coming, and plan for some quiet time to land afterward. If you notice yourself sliding back into old roles to keep the peace, my post on people-pleasing your family at the holidays goes deeper into why that happens.
MAKING NEW MEANING
One of the gentlest parts of this season can be getting curious about what YOU want the holidays to mean now. Maybe that's keeping the traditions you genuinely love, like the food, the music or the lights, without the parts that felt heavy. Maybe it's creating something completely new with your partner, your friends or just yourself. Some people find meaning in rest, in generosity, in nature or in simply being with the people who see them clearly. There's no right answer, and you don't have to figure it out this year. You get to build it slowly, one season at a time!
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO THIS SLOWLY
Leaving a high-demand religion, or any faith that shaped your whole life, is a big deal. It's okay if this holiday season feels tender, and it's okay if next year still does too. As someone who grew up LDS, I understand how much the holidays can hold, and how lonely it can feel to carry it all while everyone around you seems to be celebrating. You deserve support that doesn't ask you to pick a side or have it all figured out. My religious trauma page shares more about how I work with women navigating faith transitions.
I offer online therapy for women in Alaska, Arizona, Maine, Texas, Utah and Washington who are healing from religious trauma and building a life that feels like their own. If this resonated with you, you can fill out my therapy interest form & see if we're a good fit →